I’ve been messed up in the head for about 7 days. I’m treading water in the sea of “I don’t want to.” I’m starting to see that my past childhood trauma has caused a cycle that includes some depression. I’ve never really admitted this before. To do so would make me seem weak, and as a child, I learned that I need to be strong and do things alone.
Most of my life, when I’m in pain or struggling, I have pulled myself out of it alone. I DO NOT ask for help. I NEVER want to appear weak. I am learning that these times of struggle are crucial for me to tackle head on. I have to be transparent about it, though I really struggle with being vulnerable.
I see that I’ve been dealing with my internal struggle like putting pink frosting on a piece of poop and calling it cake. The more I pretend I’m fine (put pink frosting all over the outside), the more I cover up the poop that is happening inside. The problem with this is that it’s not REAL. If you take a bite of the cake… you will find out–it’s poop. The pink frosting on the outside didn’t change the inside.
So, I’m not sure what to do about this to get myself out of it, so for now, I’m getting rid of all of the pink frosting. I will continue to share what I’m going through out loud and to bring light to a dark place inside my head. And, I will make myself get back to doing my routines and we will see what happens next. Sometimes you have to keep moving forward even when you don’t know what’s next, and I’m discovering that being weak takes courage and, crazy as it sounds, builds your strength in the long-term.