I am getting better and better about being with my feelings, but it is hard for me to interrupt my coping mechanism before it begins. I eat to feel better if I’m sad, angry, frustrated or, especially, overwhelmed. I have been doing this for decades and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish when I’m going down the “path of no return.”
The feelings inside me are always there–they don’t have to be triggered, they are LITERALLY lurking around the corner waiting to spring. This is why I work so hard to avoid them. I almost feel like I”ll lose myself if I let them take hold. I’m learning to be strong by being weak. Does that make sense? The more I feel my feelings, the more I realize that they are the key to my healing, and the key to growing beyond my compulsive eating.
I’m taking a class right now that is helping me focus my attention on what’s behind the feelings. I’m learning that these feelings are a symptom of a fundamental need in my life not being met. (Obviously this is a function of my past trauma.) Most of the time, it’s security that is missing. I’m feeling unstable or unsafe or insecure and this leads me to want to eat.
Every time I catch myself a little sooner, it’s a win.